I love having trans people in my life
One of the ways my life is different--really different--is that in a given week or month, maybe 1/2 of the people I spend time with are gender nonconforming. Some of them are trans, others nonbinary, others genderqueer. But the title is "trans people are awesome," so I can focus on that for a minute.
Two years ago, I knew very little about trans folk. Although I considered myself an ally, I didn't really actively participate in anything to do with trans people. I wished them every success and was supportive, but I didn't go out of my way to learn about what trans actually was, or to seek of representation of trans folk in the media I was consuming. So many of us absorb transphobia just by nature of growing up in the societies that we do. I sure did. I didn't start tackling my internalized transphobia (still an ongoing journey!) until I had a real vested interest in doing so: my life partner bell had decided they would no longer live as a man. I had also just started dating a trans person, M.
I'm getting sidetracked. The above info was just to give you a bit of context that I was pretty naive not so long ago, and that I'm still learning. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have trans folk in my life. Here are a few reasons why:
- In my experience, trans people are particularly thoughtful and passionate about intersectional feminism. One thing that I find so tragic and misguided about the "men in the womens bathroom" fearmongering is that, in my personal experience, trans women are some of the most outspoken, educated, and dedicated supporters of the rights and safety of women and marginalized groups. To conceive of a trans woman as a threat to ciswoman's safety is so horribly misguided and topsy turvy.
- Trans people question all sorts of social norms, and have challenged me to do so more than I think I would have done otherwise. I find this questioning pretty valuable. There's a lot of my thoughts, behaviours and experiences that I would have really strongly identified with as "me," that I now see as influenced by gender conditioning. This is
- To be intimately connected to a trans person is to get to learn a lot about the nature of your own sexual and romantic inclinations. And about theirs.
- I have such regular opportunities now to show up as the ally I want to be. A role I play regularly now that I never found the opportunity to play before is mama bear: fiercely protective and on guard, ready to assertively step in should any reason to do so arise. Wow, this is new for me.
- I get to share a closet of clothes, and swap clothes, which I enjoy.
- I get to see the unfolding and dynamic creation of whole new person. It's kind of like a birth--that's not quite the right term, but to be connected in any way to a person who is actively transitioning is to really witness something new and tender, and special, blossom.
- I get to witness someone do something so vulnerable and difficult (at risk to their personal safety) to shake off identities and roles and pressure and perceptions that do not work for them. To see them do this and then, amidst all of the challenges and doubt and time required, find ways of being that feel good and true and liberating, my goodness it is profound.
- Because gender is so public and performed onto us all day by other people, it's kind of something that just comes up. That's meant that it's given me a big nudge to practice speaking my truth and talking about something that's important to me with other people. This in turn is an opportunity for me to walk the walk of trying to build bridges, practice nonviolent communication, and speak truth to power!
- I get 100x more hugs and cuddles now. I don't even think that's an exaggeration.
This list is quickly written and incomplete. It also absolutely does not speak for all trans people, and it's not meant to downplay any of the individual challenges or circumstances anyone may face. The reason I share this is that when I talk to people about what it's like to be in close relationship with a trans person, I want to make sure to highlight that it's been a great joy and privilege of my life.